This is a bit of a different post for me and will be quite word heavy but, I feel my current body confidence is something I need to address as a way of being fully transparent and honest with you my wonderful readers.
Those who have followed me from the beginning will know that I have always struggled with my weight and I have always been on the larger side, Its in my genes I wasn’t born to be skinny. I come from a long line of bigger ladies and for the most part I have never been ashamed of how I look.
Since returning to blogging 6 months ago I have found myself putting off doing makeup looks, which was something I used to do quite regularly, I found myself making excuses like “I haven’t had my eyebrows done” or “My roots are too long” or “My eczema is too bad” and so on. It wasn’t until I really thought about it that actually my reasoning behind not doing the looks anymore was because I didn’t feel comfortable in my current skin.
Over the past 2 years I have been pregnant twice, the first pregnancy lasting 3 months and the second resulting in my beautiful stillborn daughter Ella, over this period I have put on around 4 stone with my body shape changing dramatically. My back condition has also worsened meaning I have been less active and put back on to very strong pain killers to control the pain.
I have never found myself making excuses to avoid doing what I love and what seem to be your favourite kind of posts but, in myself I look in the mirror and see 4 chins and this belly that still looks 9 months pregnant. I also see more of the larger YouTubers editing their images to make themselves smaller and that just adds to that anxiety I have because I don’t want to be that girl because I pride myself on my honesty and integrity when it comes to writing this blog.
In my whole time writing this blog I have not once retouched the images of myself, I have even posted looks that as a Makeup Artist are awful purely because I like to show that even we can get it wrong but, something so small as a chubbier face has stopped me from posting any images with me in them and that realisation has become quite upsetting.
As I said earlier I have never been ashamed of the way I look, the fact that I fluctuate between sizes, that I started going grey at 21 so why now? Well, I think with everything that has happened over the last 2 years it has gradually stripped away my confidence and carefree attitude and I have been left with a shadow of my former self.
I don’t want you guys to think this is a pity party it’s not, I just wanted to be completely honest with you which I am hoping by doing so will give me that much-needed boost to start creating some looks for you again.
I am going to start trying different weight loss programs until I find one that fits me and attempt to give up smoking again so, if you would like me to post about my journey let me know in the comments and I can do that for you.
Thank you for letting me waffle on 🙂